Critical Wording

When we started talking about Costa Rica for Christmas I really just wanted to get up close with my favorite monkeys – the ones that look like they have Elvis Presley’s white cape on. I have referred to them as Elvis monkeys for as long as I can remember. The Eastern Black and White Colobus Monkey. To my disappointment, I was informed by my biology student/daughter, they only live in Africa.

However, the Central American squirrel monkey , the Panamanian white-faced capuchin , the mantled howler (not for the faint of heart) and Geoffroy’s spider monkey live amazing lives in Costa Rica. All four species are classified scientifically as New World Monkeys – cheeky little fucks. They peed in Rick’s marguerita from a tree ten feet above our table, stole my towel while screaming louder than I was, and had sex on the balcony of my room early one morning. I love them.

Let me start by saying this was meant to be the trip of a lifetime. I have this thing where I think I am going to die in January; so every Christmas is my last Christmas; and I want to spend it with family, making memories. Don’t worry, I don’t really dwell on it, I check in with it every year and leave it where I found it in February. So, when I started planning this trip, I wanted it to be perfect.

We landed in San Jose Airport and took ILT (I love travel, Costa Rica) transfers to the rainforest of Manuel Antonio. We stayed at Tulemar Resorts private residences, Casa Playitas. There were 7 of us and I wanted us to be together so hotels were out. Tulemar, the Resort, would be where I would go back if it were just Rick and I. The Resort property (the only one in the rainforest) is where they rehabilitate sloths (and baby monkeys) and you can only see them if you stay there. Also the most beautiful gardens and the beach on property with shuttle vans to and from are part of the bargain.

However, the luxury casas were INSANE. They came with a cleaning crew, pool people, a concierge (Raul Jimenez, Vacation Specialist) , a chef on demand, and an infinity pool – in the rainforest. The entry door was 20 feet tall brazilian redwood, leading to a huge marble kitchen (we did the on-call Chef one night) and living room all open living – all the bedrooms had patios or balconies, and the shower – a wall of rain. It really was breathtaking. Everyone had their own room and their own bathroom. yah. If I die, I die happy.

Before we left the states, we all chose excursions, to be booked by the concierge. Rick, Caden, and Dom wanted to learn to surf…hard no for me. Ella, Sav, Jake and Rick volunteered at an animal rehabilitation station in the jungle (bout an hour in – by jeep – with early leave time) yah. no. Sav and Jake wanted to ride horses on the beach (been there, done that – still extracting sand) nope. Caden and Dom wanted to ride four wheelers up waterfalls – while I was slightly tempted because four wheelers and waterfalls, i declined for all the reasons. I was nursing a knee injury and thought I should probably save the “tempting fate” for the city with the actual hospital. So, I looked up wellness spa’s and booked a consultation at Holis Wellness resort.

Later that day I got a phone call from Evelina, owner of Holis Wellness Resort. Little did I know, she would change my life.

On our call, I told her I was struggling with MS and my legs and I asked if she would help me with some exercises to strengthen my knee. She said “maybe”. After some discussion she said “I think you should take a class on Wed. night called Constellations”. I said, “yeah, I’m here with family so really just looking for a massage, some yoga, basically, a wellness day”. She said, “ok. Im going to hold space for you in my class and book you for a cranial sacral with me, personally-afterward, you can decide. We will dig a little deeper, ok?” At this point, I am like, “whatever, sounds good, ok – see ya Wed” – back to the pool.

Between surfing lessons and private chefs and the retelling of grand adventures in the jungle, Monday came and everyone left for their day excursions and I realized that I forgot to book a transfer to town. No worries – Raul sent a car five minutes later. We drove uphill for about five minutes and we were there. #worthit

There was no A/C in the reception area of the spa and after walking from the car up the stairs to the door, I was drenched. It’s brutally humid in the rainforest. Evelina met me at the door and took me through another door into a cool corridor and eventually into a treatment room. She didn’t do or say anything, normal. She was immediately familiar with me and I felt like I knew her. She really wanted to know about my health and my diagnosis and my family and my childhood, what I did for a job and what i had done for work before that – about an hour and a half later she asked if I had ever had a cranial sacral massage before. (I had)

Suddenly, she asked if I would play a board game with her – to help her help me. I said sure and she handed me a bunch of lego logs in different shapes and i arranged them on a board based on her questions. I’m a big picture thinker so I sort things fairly fast, its like triage. (while considering all the possibilities and ripple effect) I have worked in crisis of some definition all my life, so I tend to trust my instinct and keep one eye on the door. She would say “put this piece in the corner” and “maybe this piece would like to rest”, “this piece is feeling left out”, vague at best instructions, but I had already decided to let my instinct be in charge and just do what felt right. As the last piece left my hand, Evelina took it and said, ah, you know…disease is really dis-ease. It’s just as much mental as physical and everything is connected. (I heard Lion King music in my head, no joke) I don’t know if what you have is incurable, I think you are carrying someone else’s weight. Like maybe there is a promise imprinted on your DNA that you feel guilty about – something like that – I would like to know more about that. yah…ok.

Im gonna get a little whoowooo here. Stay with me. Cranial Sacral massage is a clearing of energy – stuck energy usually. I believe we are all made of energy and I practice healing myself with light and energy from within. Does it work? Sometimes, I think so. Cranial Sacral Massage is usually a very bright white, sometimes uncomfortable, cold or hot, feeling for me, especially if the person doing it has heavy energy. Usually, for me, someone else’s energy has a color. People I think of as healers, have primary colors or light colors or white. The people that really know what they are doing, put up a wall of sorts, and I appreciate that but I don’t like not knowing – so it can be a distraction.

Listen, I don’t pretend to understand any of this – it just works for me and it’s one of the only places I truly let my guard down.

I fell asleep. I remember feeling very relaxed listening to Evelina tell me to relax and then i was out. I have never fallen asleep during a massage. I barely sleep at all. I chalked it up to travelling and felt refreshed when Evelina rang a little bell that reverberated through my subconscious to tell me I needed to get a car back to the casa – it was getting late.

Still thinking about the little wood pieces, I asked Evelina to explain how they worked and she said she would if I would come to her class on Wed. night. I told her I would check the vacation schedule and get back to her.

I felt amazing the next morning. My knee didn’t hurt and i could feel my foot for the first time in a while. That made me want to call Evelina.

Lucky for me, Sav had decided that the whole group should do a night walk in the jungle (with nature guides) on Wed. so they could see the nocturnal animals – I immediately envisioned falling over a tree root into a pit of vipers and yah. no. So I called Eveline back and told her I would come. I have to admit, sometimes things happen very organically in my life and if I go with it, I am almost always glad i did.

I only regret the things I don’t do. (you can quote me on that)

So team Buist headed into the rainforest and I asked Raul for another car. On the way to Holis, I reminded myself that I was just visiting. I wasn’t in charge. I was just visiting, I could let go. Whatever this class was about, I could let it happen without having to control any part of my environment or the outcome. If it went south, I might not see any of these people again in this lifetime. (that always helps)

It was dark when I arrived and a young woman that only spoke spanish led me upstairs to a room that was windows all the way around. Three people were already there, sitting on mats on the floor. The ceiling was timber and high and the floors were wood.

Disclaimer: some of what happened is just gone from my memory. I remember key parts that I’ll share and if given the chance I recommend taking this class. It was a very sensory experience that required being intensely present and absorbed in the role play.

So each person had a turn to be the constellation, the person working through whatever “came up” for them. There were only four of us, the young woman that showed me to the room, her name was Tia and she worked at the spa – she had done this a lot, a man named Kell who seemed to be sweet on Tia – he spoke some English, an older woman named Danya – she was from London and spoke better English than me, and me. Evalina was the guide and she asked that we just lean into trusting our own instinct and just do and say whatever we felt. This was a role play exercise about feeling, so we shouldn’t hold back for fear of being judged or out of guilt for sharing.

Ooof. There’s a first for everything I guess. When in Costa Rica…

Evalina asked us to close our eyes and think about stress. What was the first thing that came to mind. My health. Now, think about past trauma – what was my first thought? My relationship with my family, namely the mother that told people she didn’t have a daughter, my non-existent father – and the man that raised me but didn’t like me very much. Then think about the future, what gives you joy? My children.

Now we were to write those three things on a piece of unlined paper with a red pen and hand it to her. Then she asked who wanted to go first. None of us raised our hands so she chose me. She whispered to me, “your mom, your non-existent father, and your health” and told me to assign each of those things to someone in the room BUT DONT TELL THEM WHO YOU ASSIGNED TO THEM.

I immediately thought of my mom and Tia followed by guilt for putting that heaviness on someone so young and so kind. I have asked myself why a thousand times – maybe they looked alike with their dark hair and smokey eyes, maybe I just felt like they were both vulnerable – maybe, maybe, maybe, im sorry Tia… Kell was my dad and Danya was my health – weird but that tracks.

Then Evalina instructed us to go to any place in the room we felt like we wanted to be. I b-lined for the darkest corner and Tia went to the window farthest from me and placed her nose against the glass. Danya laid down on her mat and Kell turned his back to me and sat on the steps leading downstairs – almost out of the room. Yeah, I know, I immediately thought – how did they know? My health is laying down, my bio dad is trying to leave before we even get started, and my mom is stuck at the window looking at the world she wished for from the fishbowl. Evalina says, “you are each playing a part of Amber’s life. It’s ok to respond however you feel. You will find by helping Amber, you will help yourself”.

I was so drawn to Tia. There was light coming in through the window from the bar across the street and her long dark hair was silhouetted against the window turned mirror. Her shoulders were bent toward the glass and she radiated sadness. I hate it when people are hurt and I can’t fix it and at the moment I thought maybe I caused it. Her shoulders started shaking and suddenly, she was crying. Not quiet crying, or fake crying, gut wrenching, can’t catch a breath crying. I broke. I was done with this exercise. I was about to bolt when Evaline put her hand on the small of my back and quietly asked “how old are you?” and I said, “10” without even thinking. She said, what do you want to do? “Tell her I’m sorry, tell her it’s gonna be ok,” I said. “Ok, let’s do that”, she said.

I felt the first tear of many that night, fall as I walked the length of the room to take that fucking sadness from her. Evaline turned her from the window and spoke to her in Spanish. She told her that I wanted to tell her that I was sorry and that she would be ok. Then Evaline waited for me to say the words. I whispered, “I’m so sorry. She opened her arms to me and said “abrazo” (hug) and I said, “si’”. I will never be able to explain the exchange of energy in that moment but it was one of those moments you think about the whole rest of your life.

Later that night, when I was part of Tia’s constellation, I would find out that Tia was married and had recently lost her first child (a nine year old) in a car accident. She blamed herself.

This is where I collected my first ball. One of those little weighted balls you use to build muscle where you didn’t know you had muscle. Evaline picked it up and handed it to Tia and Tia reluctantly handed it to me – I wanted to take it from her.

I had similar interactions with my health (Danya), I didn’t want to be a burden so I kept it all to myself (get a ball), and with the father I have never met. (Kell) I thought it was easier to never know if he cared about me, than it was to upend his life by having me in it. (get a ball) Everytime I took something on that wasn’t mine to carry, I would get sent back to my mother (Tia) to collect another ball…

I began to see a pattern. I was never safe. I never felt protected. My mother was always with the father that didn’t like me very much and I always felt left out, like i didn’t belong. When Tia told me she loved me, I knew in her own way she did but she chose her own safety and security over mine every time.

My father loved me too but he felt the same way I did. Like he was more of a burden than a blessing. In the role play, he was overwhelmed, selfish, and a little bit afraid of my mom. These are likely scenarios – but exchange my mom for my grandmother, three aunts, and my mom.

My health is such that everyday is an unknown. My body is in a constant state of damage and repair. I’ve learned to not panic during the damage and lean into the repair but it’s an complete mind game for someone with trust and safety issues. Waiting for the foot to drop and assuming it will eventually end my life is a sure path to depression. dis-ease.

I moved out of my family home when I was sixteen and I had to be the adult in every room so I could take care of myself – and everyone else. My health asked me “When is the last time you just laughed with pure delight and abandon”?

So many fears – all my life. Irrational fears. Those I inherited for sure. They all led back to safety and security. Trust issues. Safety, and Security.

Pretty soon, I had so many balls I couldn’t hold them all and my arms hurt, I asked for a basket to carry them all in. Evalina walked me over to Tia, who now sat on the floor as emotionally spent as I was. Evalina told me to give it all to her, my mom. (Tia) I was blindsided by that – I didn’t see it coming – and it pissed me off. My reaction was immediate and determined. I absolutely refused. She doesn’t deserves that. I was not about to hand this toxic heaviness to anyone I cared for, and I cared for my mom (Tia). Balls be damned, she would drown carrying them and I knew that I would survive. I was strong enough to stay above water. I took it. It’s mine. I’ll carry it.

Evalina turned me to look directly into her eyes and said, “hand it back to your mother or hand it down to your children, you choose”.

Life changed.